She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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