Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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