If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
