Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
