Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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