Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
