The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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