made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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