my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
