I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
