I hate your face
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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