return my video game
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
