Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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