just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
