I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you would pick up someone in the library
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
