I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
