I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
