Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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