you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
