you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
