...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
