I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
