When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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