??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
