woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
