I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
