Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
