I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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