Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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