He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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