you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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