your thong is hanging out like whoa
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
