She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
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