In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
