6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
