life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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