So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
