No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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