That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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