I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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