I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
