I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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