One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
