he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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