Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
