wrigley field is MILF paradise
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize