I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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