How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
