The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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