I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
