Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
