I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
