Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
