I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
