Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
