yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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