I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
