i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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