Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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