I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
