I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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