Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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